Tag Archives: moment to moment

Connection, Intimacy, and Thought

Have you ever been with someone while they were talking with you and realized somewhere in the midst of them speaking that you haven’t heard anything that they said? If so, you’re not alone. I’ve done that more than I care to admit. Whether with a client, a friend, a coworker, or my wife Ami, I’ve had plenty of those “huh? whadja’ say?” moments.

What I’ve begun to see is that those moments destroy intimacy. They eradicate a feeling of connection. We all want a feeling of connection and intimacy in our lives, especially with those we love. I know I do. It’s a big part of what makes my life feel rich and worth living.

What has helped me most in my own life is seeing the connection between my thinking and the feeling of intimacy and connection with people in my life. When I began to see how my own speeded-up, noisy thinking was what covered up the natural connection and good feeling available to me all the time, my thinking began to slow down and ‘thin out’. The contents of my own thinking became far less important. As that has happened, I am naturally more present to the people in my life.

The good news is that feeling connected to and intimate with the people in our life is natural. That feeling is our Natural State. As we become more aware of the fact of our thinking in the moment, we are able to not give it as much attention. It’s like the rumble strips on the side of the road: when we run over them we know we are steering off course. When our thinking gets hurried, frenetic, effortful – we feel the effects of that because we are always feeling our own thinking.

Those uncomfortable, hectic feelings let us know we are steering away from the present moment. The yucky feelings aren’t there to hurt us; they are there to warn us that we are moving away from the moment where intimacy and connection reside. It is that thinking that drops a veil ‘over’ this moment.

As I’ve become more aware of the link between my thinking and the feelings it brings with it, I’ve found that I naturally steer back to the present and my life is so much sweeter ‘here’ than ‘there’!

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The Magic Card for Couples

I usually provide this on a pocket-sized card format to couples I’m seeing. They use it to stay pointed in the right direction between our meetings. I hope you find it useful. 

The Magic Card for Couples

-You are always feeling your thinking in the moment; you aren’t feeling ‘the relationship’.
-Your feelings are feedback about your state of mind in the moment; they are not feedback about the state of your relationship or about your partner.
-If you are in a low mood, that is exactly the WRONG time to have a ‘heart to heart’ talk or ‘make a point’ – have important talks when you are in a good mood/good state of mind
-When you are in a low mood, don’t trust your thinking about the relationship or your partner; don’t make decisions about anything from a low state of mind.
-When your partner is in a low mood keep what they say in perspective – remember it is coming from their low mood and is not the ‘truth’ about what they ‘really’ think and feel.
-You don’t need to do anything about a low mood; leave it alone and it will pass like storm clouds blow through the sky.
-Thinking changes on its own and it changes a lot all day, every day; just understanding that can make a huge difference in your relationship.
-If you think your partner is the problem, you are completely missing the point; if you look inside to your own thinking, you are on the right track.
-When you see problems in the relationship as coming from ‘out there’ you will tend to stay stuck longer; when you see your experience as coming from ‘in here’ you’ll tend to see solutions sooner.
-Low morale in the relationship isn’t caused by problems – problems are caused by low morale; and morale is 100% caused by our moment to moment thinking/state of mind.
-The way you see the relationship is ‘made up’ inside of you – it isn’t The Truth – and your thinking about the relationship and, therefore, how you see it will change on its own
-We all live in a world of thinking and it changes on its own – leave your thinking alone (especially your low-mood thinking) and it will change.
-In a low mood, ‘relationship problems’ appear; in a better mood we simply look at ‘portraits of circumstance’.
-You are the common denominator in all problems that you perceive – puzzling, huh?
-Quit trying to change your partner in any way at all.
-All human beings have their ups and downs in relationships – having trouble doesn’t have to ‘mean’ anything about your partner or your relationship.
-Appreciation and trust are possibilities just as real as problems
-Despite what it may look like, your partner wants to be a good mate just as much as you do.

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